You Are the Universe Experiencing Itself

Relax 

Make time for friends

Save for retirement 

Eat four Brazil nuts per day

Call your mother 

CIVIL WAR 

Listen to the birds

Follow these tips to optimize your brand

Relax 

Rotate your tires

You should get that headache checked out 

Call your daughter 

Get the cream sauce 

Your doctor has uploaded your blood test results to your Patient Portal 

Forty percent of registered voters want dictatorship 

Enjoy the simpler things in life

Have you saved at least a million dollars for retirement?

Dogs in overalls

Follow these tips for a stress free life

Are you eating enough kale?

Remember to brush up into the gums 

Relax

FAMINE

Half of GenX can't afford a home 

Cats in pumpkin hats

Heart attack or indigestion? Here's how to tell, maybe

Follow your bliss 

I made a million dollars in a week with this simple trick 

BIG STEPSISTER BOOBIES 

I should get that headache checked out 

Mr. Borylas, we have your custom offer for a debt consolidation loan

Is it time to go back to school?

Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life

IT’S THE END TIMES

Relax 

I can't believe you haven't watched season five

Are you okay?

So I says to Mabel, I says...

When was the last time you went to the chiropractor?

Rotate your tires 

The rent is going up how much?

Save time and money with these simple meal prep hacks 

Are you living your best life?

Relax 

Stress kills 2.8 million people per year

The climate has already tipped past forecasted markers 

Puppies 

BOOTY

Try intermittent fasting for more energy 

Rent is due next week 

I should get that headache checked out 

Fifty is the new thirty 

Life expectancy in the US drops for another year in a row

Elon Musk on living forever and owning everything 

Here's how Bitcoin and other imaginary things are killing the planet

Relax 

Kendrick or Drake? Here’s why you’re wrong

You should read Derrida

Have you made a will?

Destination weddings you'll love 

Learn a trade

Get your degree online 

Earn a thousand dollars a day by answering surveys from top retailers

Keep it simple 

Hot singles in your area

How I built a quick and easy pergola for only $10,000

I-35 closed at Basswood 

Are you feeding your cat processed food? You monster

AMBER ALERT 

Exercise at least 75 hours per week 

Keep a copy of this payment for your records 

Call your dad

America's relationship with authoritarianism: It’s complicated

No fees for six months 

Did you eat four Brazil nuts today?

How red wine extends your lifespan 

How about them Cowboys?

That song you've always hated: Why it's speaking to a whole new generation 

Are you sleeping enough? How about now?

How red wine leads to liver failure 

The woke mind virus is killing Applebee's 

You should start a podcast 

Relax 

I should read more 

Limit screen time 

How to step up your hustle 

Archive your posts for the algorithm 

Hashtag blessed

Periods in your text messages are passive aggressive 

AI is just a tool, and it does your job for free

100 influencers who made more money this week than you'll ever see in your lifetime 

Get that degree 

Does that emoji mean what it used to?

Ellipses are bad now

Cancel culture is killing Applebee's 

The clitoris: What you're doing wrong 

Americans aren't vacationing enough 

Live like it's your last day on earth 

Success is planning plus opportunity 

Make your own luck 

?

Profit!

NAZIS

Kitties 

Women: Rights or nah? Rob Schneider & Rogan hot takes

Blueberry drizzle cinnabon 

Paleo yoga and you 

I should get that headache checked out 

Relax 

Success is cringe 

Rihanna kills in pressed lavender backless cardigan 

Why GenZ isn't driving 

Tornadoes ravage Midwest ahead of cicada plague

Was Ben Franklin woke?

Turn off your phone 

Throw capitalism into the sea

They fucking killed Nex Benedict

Relax 

For the love of god, relax 

5:30AM

Should I try to go back to sleep?

Don't drive tired 

Did I take my Claritin?

It's all a hologram 

I should get that headache checked out 

What’s my deductible?

Active shooter training tomorrow

Stop, drop, and roll?

Is your 401k leveraged?

Will Social Security exist when I’m 65?

Brazil nuts 

Dandelion root tea

Ibid

New Silversun Pickups picture vinyl 

What time is it?

Happy hour specials 

Support local 

DNC matching contribution unlocked: will you let the GOP agenda win in November?

Varicose veins and cancer: early warning signs 

Wait, did they let Weinstein go?

Here's why Andrew Tate is relatable to the kids

Just letting you know, we recommend a coolant flush every 30,000 miles

When was the last time you slept for eight hours?

Life hack: Boner pills 

Antioxidant superfoods

Slavery: Not that bad, actually? By Ross Douthat

Minka slays in sequined crepe thong

Did I take my thyroid meds?

UFOs

MILF Island 

Strawberry bubblegum vape

Stitch incoming 

No, it's the children who are wrong 

David Brooks still has a job somehow

Golfing for health and networking 

Chat GPT cover letters to game the HR filterbots

You are the universe experiencing itself 

I could probably be a radiologist if I wanted

6:04AM

I guess I'll get up 

I really should get that headache checked out